-
01
Image is representative only and does not depict the actual subjects of the story.
-
AITA for wanting to stop splitting discretionary expenses 50/50 with my boyfriend due to an income gap?
"AITA for wanting to stop splitting discretionary expenses 50/50 with my boyfriend due to an income gap?
Me (27M) and my boyfriend (23M) come from very different financial backgrounds, and it’s starting to create tension.
For context: I became homeless at 14 and had to put education on hold for years. My boyfriend, on the other hand, had a stable upbringing, went to private school, and earned a full ride to college where he double majored in accounting and finance."
-
02
Image is representative only and does not depict the actual subjects of the story.
-
There's a version of fairness that looks correct on paper and falls apart completely in practice. Splitting everything 50/50 sounds clean, sounds equal, sounds like nobody is getting a better deal than the other. But equal splits only work when the starting point is equal, and when one person earns $114k and the other earns $52k, splitting discretionary expenses down the middle isn't fairness. It's a slow financial drain with good intentions.
This particular story starts long before the $11.5k debt. It starts at 14, when one of these two people became homeless while the other was attending private school on the path to a full ride and a double major in accounting and finance. Two completely different relationships with money, with security, with what it feels like to not have enough. That context matters enormously, not as a guilt trip, but as a reminder that financial comfort isn't just about income. It's about history.
The 50/50 split survived an era where the gap was already significant, $14/hour versus $28/hour, and somehow stretched into a lifestyle that now includes international birthday trips and Memorial Day getaways, with a "half" that runs to thousands of dollars at a time. The debt isn't from reckless spending. It's from trying to show up fully in a relationship where the baseline keeps getting set by the person for whom the baseline is affordable.
-
03
Image is representative only and does not depict the actual subjects of the story.
-
"We’ve always split expenses 50/50, even when I was making $14/hour and he was making $28/hour as an intern. During that time, he would book trips and activities that I could technically afford, but only by working overtime or going into debt.
I eventually got my GED, completed a degree, and worked my way up to making about $52k/year. Over that same time, he progressed in his career and now makes $114k/year plus bonuses and stock options.
As his income increased, our lifestyle also scaled up. Recently, he booked a birthday trip and a Memorial Day trip, and my “half” brought the total amount I owe him to about $11.5k."
-
04
Image is representative only and does not depict the actual subjects of the story.
-
Having $6 in a savings account while your partner assumes you're putting away $200 a check toward a second property is not a small miscommunication. It's a window into how completely out of sync two people can be about something as fundamental as financial reality.
The conversation that finally happened was the right one. Honest, uncomfortable, and long overdue. The moment the $6 savings account entered the room, something shifted, because numbers don't have feelings and they don't negotiate. They just sit there being true.
A healthy relationship can absolutely survive an income gap. What it can't survive is one person going into debt to maintain an appearance of equality that was never really there. Proportional splitting, honest conversations about what each person can actually afford, and a shared definition of what "keeping up" should even mean, that's not asking for special treatment. That's asking for a partnership that works for both people, not just the one for whom it was never a problem to begin with.
Six dollars in savings is not cheap. It's a wake-up call.
-
05
Image is representative only and does not depict the actual subjects of the story.
-
"I’m not behind on necessities like mortgage, food, or utilities. The debt is almost entirely from trying to keep up with discretionary spending like trips and activities.
I’m starting to feel financially overwhelmed and don’t think I can sustainably continue splitting optional expenses 50/50 at this pace.
WIBTA if I asked him to either slow down on trips or adjust how we split discretionary expenses so I’m not going further into debt?
Small update: we had a conversation about the spending last night, told him I reasonably needed sometime off from the excessive spending and that i could not afford to go on the 2 latest trips he booked. At first he just decided he will be going alone and i would just have to pay him back for the flights.
"Idk where the cheapness comes from if im completely honest maybe his mother was just really selfish when he was a kid. He eventually came in and apologized and said he would eat the cost. Agreed to ask in the future about trips and even said we could go over our ledger and write off some of the expenses that are things we did for him like concerts to artist he really want to see out of state that im not fans of etc…."
-
06
Image is representative only and does not depict the actual subjects of the story.
-
"It was an overall productive conversation after he had his diva moment over me not wanting to go do anything else, until i have more of a cushion in life. I think a big driving point was when we finally talked about savings i explained that while i am not drowning i have 6 dollars in a savings account that im sure i will be pulling out in a couple of days for gas at this rate. He had assumed i was saving 200 or so a check towards buying our second property… HA.
Thank you for driving home to me that im not in the wrong we have. A otherwise extremely healthy relationship and i think he gets upset when i say i cant afford things cause he thinks im just being cheap or trying to live like im still in survival mode from being homeless for so long. I think a point of insecurity for him is what is his is mine etc so he doesn’t think about us breaking up but to me it is always a possibility and i think he hates to think that i think that way."
-
07
Image is representative only and does not depict the actual subjects of the story.
-
NTA - practice saying "I'd love to go, but I can't afford it." That's it. Just say 'no'. Frankly, most BFs would pony up some cash for their GFs to go on trips when there is that much of a salary difference.
-
It's pretty crazy to do a 50/50 split when your incomes are wildly different. You're NTA at all. your tone in your post makes it seem like you are really open to making catastrophic financial decisions (wibta if i ask him to 'slow down' so I don't go 'further into debt') for the sake of the relationship and that just got me concerned on your behalf.
Make sure you are looking out for yourself! A good partner will care about you looking out for you too, they won't get upset about it!
-
NTA. You should be paying proportional to your income. Or if it is 50/50 you live within the means of the lower earner.
-
He's never been a homeless woman with no one to help or fall back on, he doesn't understand OP's struggles. OP should ask him to try to imagine for a minute not having parents to help and support him and no where to live.
-
NTA. Someone with a degree in finance and accounting should understand the importance of having a budget. Ask for his help in creating a spreadsheet that shows your income and all the things you have to pay for. Include a line item for savings and another for entertainment. When the entertainment budget for the month is spent, that’s it. No more event tickets or meals out or trips until next month.
When two people with such wildly different incomes want to split costs, they usually do it in proportion to their incomes, ie, you would pay 1/3 and he would pay 2/3. If he wants to split 50:50, then he has to live on your budget or do a lot of stuff by himself.
-
You should never go into debt for a vacation. The only reason to acquire debt is to purchase a significant asset like a home or a car and then only if the payments are well within your budget and you have an emergency fund that can sustain you temporarily if you become ill or something. (A serious illness would be a reason to go into debt, but that's a special case.) Tell your bf that you can't afford his vacations. 🚩 If he goes without you, then that tells you all you need to know about him. If I had a bf that made twice what I did, I would not expect to pay for half.
Want More? Follow Us and Add Us as a Preferred Source on Google.